Wizard in Space
by Falling Right Side-Up
Summary: AU: The Enterprise has a name and it's Harry Potter. Who is rather unhappy about having parts of his anatomy blown up. /interconnected one-shots/ reuploaded ch.5 due to site errors 9-25-10
1. Series 1: Enterprise It's a Boy

**Wizard in Space**

Genre: Humor

Category: AU: random scenes

Fandom: Harry Potter x Star Trek Reboot

Author: Falling Right Side-Up

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or worlds mentioned herein.

Summary: Ideas of Harry Potter x Star Trek Reboot x-overs.

* * *

**AN: **Yeah. This particular brand of craziness came up during one of my usual online chats with PsychoticKisshu. We were lamenting the lack of Harry Potter and Star Trek Reboot x-overs, and this craziness resulted.

**"What if Harry's ghost was haunting the Enterprise? Or what if Harry somehow became the avatar of the Enterprise?"**

Yeah. Crazy. And written in the spur of the moment, literally in 10 minutes while chatting. So yeah, very bad quality of writing.

Uhm, so the premise (I think) is basically that Harry's spirit/ghost somehow combines with the Enterprise, but doesn't become fully conscious of his nifty new body (i.e. a space ship, lulz) until sometime during or after the confrontation with Nero.

And-OH GOD-please forgive my mangling of Scotty's accent.

* * *

**Idea #1**

_Prompt:_ Enterprise: It's a Boy

* * *

Two weeks after the confrontation with the seriously disturbed Romulan bastard, Jim sat in the captain's chair zoned out as the Enterprise crawled through space at Impulse. It would take another month to get to Earth without the warp drives, and while the ship was slightly worse for wear it was holding together, for which the entire crew was thankful.

Jim leaned back a little, eyes drifting to the enormous crack splitting the ceiling of the bridge then to the science station where Spock was diligently typing away. The captain glanced towards the observation window once more and bounced his leg up and down, debating whether to ask his first officer the ship's status—again. When he glanced back at Spock, Jim's eyes locked with the science officer's stern, admonishing stare.

Jim froze, suddenly at a standstill. His mouth opened slowly to ask the same old question but froze when the Vulcan's gaze went from stern to severe.

_Cease your restless movements, Captain. And do not inquire of the ship's status for the 287th time._ _It is operating at acceptable levels given the circumstances, as it has been for the last 3 hours, 5 minutes, and 13 seconds since you last inquired. There is no need for concern at this particular juncture._

Jim imagined his first officer saying something like that, but remembering those same eyes burning in rage and the unmovable, alien grasp around his throat, what Jim saw communicated was more along the lines of:

_Back off, bitch. Stop pestering me with your ceaseless prattle. Just wait till we get to Earth and I have you court-martialed. Then we'll see who's Captain, fucker. _

One finely sculpted brow lifted in response to Jim's grimace.

"Do you require something, Captain?"

"Er, well—"

"Captain!" Scotty's voice squawked over the comm.

Both Spock and Jim's gaze flew to the arm of the Captain's chair where the bridge's comm link was located.

"Yeah, Scotty?"

"The replicators! They keep given meh kidney soup instead of mae sandwiches!"

Jim sighed and let his head fall into one of his hands. Spock rose from the science station and approached the Captain's chair.

"Mr. Scott. May I inquire why you feel it necessary to announce your personal grievance over the bridge comm? You are aware that this connection is restricted to priority and emergency—"

"Mr. Spock! You dun think mae sandwiches are a priority? They're mae food! I need 'em! If I'm hungry all the time, how am I gonnae fix this beautiful lady—"

The ship rumbled ominously. Jim gripped the arms of his chair and Spock rested one hand on the chair's back to steady him. The bridge crew went silent immediately, eyeing the cracks and circuit boards for sudden malfunctions.

Sulu gazed warily at the steering controls, his hands hovering hesitantly over them.

It was Jim that finally broke the silence.

"Forget your sandwiches, Scotty, I need to know what's wrong with my ship!"

"But, Captain! Besides the obvious, with the warp drives an' all missen, the old lass—"

_Rumble._

"—has nothing wrong with her!"

The ship jerked to the side, drawing shouts of alarm from everyone in the bridge.

"Scotty!"

"Mr. Scott. There is obviously something suspect about the ship's integrity."

"I know, I know! I'm at the engine room, I jus' need to—"

The engineer suddenly grew silent and then a sound of pain came through the comm. Spock and Jim exchanged glances.

"Scotty? You there? What's going on?" Jim asked.

"I dunno know, Captain. The engine room refuses to let me in! And then a side panel just flew off the wall an' attacked mae!"

Sulu and Jim glanced at each other incredulously.

"Uh, Captain, maybe someone else besides Scotty should take a look?"

Jim paused and then nodded decisively as he stood up. Turning to Spock, who was watching him questioningly, Jim smiled cockily and gave the half-Vulcan a slap on the shoulder, which his First Officer silently endured.

"You have the Conn, Spock."

"Yes, Captain."

**o.o.O.O.O.o.o**

"So, explain to me what the problem is." Jim leaned against the wall of the corridor leading to the engine room with Scotty on the floor across from him.

"Well, Captain, ever since I blew the warp drive, the ship's been actin' up."

Jim's brows drew together in confusion.

"Well, yeah, it's not like the Enterprise was supposed to eject the warp drive and ride a nuclear blast out from a black hole."

The engineer nodded agitatedly and glanced warily around.

"Yes, I know, Captain. But the Enterprise seems mighty angry with mae. The replicators are actually the least of mae problems. Sometimes doors close on mae, the shower refuses to work, the lights turn off, and now the engine room…"

The Captain stared incredulously at his Chief Engineer.

"Scotty. You're talking like the Enterprise is out to get you," Jim spoke skeptically.

"Well, yes, I suppose I am. You cannae 'arm such a beauty like the Enterprise and expect her to just take it."

The ship rumbled again and the two men braced themselves along the wall. They stared silently at one another, still plastered warily to the wall like mimes—one staring pleadingly at his superior and the other not knowing what to think.

"All right," Jim drawled as he eased away from the wall. "So let's say the Enterprise is alive and pissed at you. What do you expect me to do?"

"You could apologize to me for one." An unfamiliar, young male voice full of ire drifted down the hall.

Jim spun around, crouched, one hand reaching for a weapon that wasn't there and Scotty scrambled up from his knees, eyes flickering all over the place.

"Who said that? Show yourself!" Jim commanded. There was silence.

"I said show yourself!" Jim shouted.

"Hold your horses, you pillock!" Came the quick retort, and Jim drew back in surprise. "I'm trying to make myself corporeal but it's not easy."

Jim and Scotty exchanged uneasy glances.

"You said, 'corporeal,' lad?" Scotty questioned.

….

**Slight time skip…**

"Okay," Jim drawled, massaging the ache between his eyes. "So tell me, Enterprise—"

"—my name is Harry—"

"—Harry, whatever. Why are you pissed at me and Scotty?" Jim lifted his head and gazed at some indeterminate point in the hall, as if he could see the other man.

"He bloody well blew my bits off! And you told him to do it!"

Jim's jaw dropped in shock and Scotty spluttered.

"Y-your bits? You mean your—" Scotty gestured vaguely at his crotch.

"You're damn right you did! You don't just go blowing up a man's bits and expect him to be happy about it!" Harry ranted.

_His bits? The Warp Drives?_ Jim mouthed to Scotty with a disbelieving look.

"And now you've got me crawling at Impulse 4! No one has intentionally traveled at impulse since the 22nd century! Me, the great Enterprise, reduced to this! How much more are you going to emasculate me!"

"Emascu—now wait a minute! We didn't mean to do that! It was the only way to get out of the black hole!" Jim shouted.

"Yeah, easy for you to say! You still got _your_ bits, don't you?"

Jim's hand unobtrusively came down to cover his groin protectively, even as he attempted to defend his decision to eject the warp drives.

"Well, it was your bits or our lives! I think survival was more important, don't you? Besides, Starfleet can you give new warp drives and Scotty will amp them up even more!"

"That's not the point! The fact is that no one should experience losing their bits in the first place! And don't expect me to be happy about having the man who exploded them fiddling with them later!"

**o.o.O.O.O.o.o**

**scene/time jump/skip**

"Captain."

"Yeah, Spock."

"May I inquire as to why you and Mr. Scott were shouting about exploding and enhancing male reproductive organs in the engine room?"

Jim spewed out his drink over the table. Spock stared unabashedly but with genuine concern.

"If you are having problems with erectile dysfunction, Doctor McCoy should be able to help you."

* * *

**AN:** I was laughing while chatting with PsychoticKisshu and not really thinking while writing this. XD

I'm think of at least one more scene: where Harry becomes conscious of the fact that he's a space ship. Lulz.

What do you think? Worthwhile or just silliness? Review, please?


	2. Series 1A: Enterprise Makeover V2 608

**Wizard in Space**

Genre: Humor

Category: AU: random scenes

Fandom: Harry Potter x Star Trek Reboot

Author: Falling Right Side-Up

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or worlds mentioned herein.

Summary: Ideas of Harry Potter x Star Trek Reboot x-overs.

* * *

**AN: Premise:** Harry's spirit/ghost somehow combines with the Enterprise, but doesn't become fully conscious of his nifty new body (i.e. a space ship, lulz) until sometime during or after the confrontation with Nero.

No one but Jim and Scotty know about Harry right now.

_**RE-WRITTEN 6-08-2010**_ (several parts edited and new parts added. Please re-read if you read it before this date!)

* * *

**Idea #1A**

(Re-written 6-08-2010; new and edited parts)

_Prompt: _The Extreme Spaceship Makeover_…_that didn't happen

* * *

It had been about a month since the Enterprise had returned to Earth and a week since James Tiberius Kirk had been officially promoted to Captain. In that time, Jim had been extraordinarily busy making arrangements for their first mission—a diplomatic mission; ferrying an ambassador to a Federation powwow. He'd been meeting weekly with the heads of his departments, which included Bones, Spock, Uhura, and Sulu amongst others, but Scotty had been strangely absent.

Jim hadn't been worried, however, since repairs on the Enterprise were steadily making progress. It wasn't until Pike called Jim into his office to discuss the "flood of superfluous and surplus materials being requisitioned for the Enterprise" that the newly appointed captain clued into the fact that something was amiss.

Most of the materials requested, while pushing the budget, were within reason. A few were not.

Admiral Pike leaned forward as he pushed a pad across his desk to Jim. "I understand the request for extra narcelles but what the hell is '_bling?_' And why is your Chief Engineer requesting '_enough bling to pimp'_ him out?"

Jim stared at the padd and highlighted terms openmouthed before he looked up at Pike hesitantly. "Uh, I have no idea."

Pike frowned. "Well, find out. No one knows what he's asking for so he hasn't been getting it. And now everyone's inboxes have been flooded with the requests—he's rather impatient. And pushy."

Jim had the niggling feeling that it wasn't so much his Chief Engineer that was spamming everyone but Harry. But he wasn't about to tell Pike that the Enterprise was alive and pissed about having his bits blown up.

Which was why Jim found himself tracking down his communications officer to find out what the hell "bling" and "pimp out" meant. [AN: pretend such terms have fallen out of favor by the 23rd century]

And why the hell wasn't Scotty answering his comm?

**o.o.O.O.O.o.o**

Jim cowered behind McCoy as Uhura approached, fuming.

"Kirk! Grow up!" She snapped and shoved a padd into his arms. Then she marched away with an infuriated sound.

"What did ya do now, Jim?" McCoy questioned warily.

"I don't know!" Jim replied and morosely perused the info on the padd with his friend looking over his shoulder.

...

...

1. _Bling: [bling-bling or bling; n.]_ Term popular in the 20th and 21st century; used to describe the effect of sex appeal and wealth through flashy or gaudy jewelry; named for the sound generated when worn.

_Addendum: _The word "bling" refers to any unnecessary accumulation of metal or jewelry which impresses the simple-minded. Examples of bling-related activity include: driving a car with shiny platinum rims, arriving at a movie premiere in a hat made of glittering diamonds, or pointing at a big block of gold and cooing away for hours on end like an unforgivable moron whose mere existence ultimately cheapens us all. Bling is the single most shallow, boring and willfully superficial cultural phenomenon ever to excite humankind, which is saying something for a species already hooked on internet poker.

In recent months, collective guilt over the planet's future and the disparity of global wealth have exerted a cooling effect on bling's popularity, although genuine justice will never be achieved until everyone responsible for promoting, propagating, passively approving of, or even being ironically amused by any and all aspects of bling culture has been hunted down and jailed for a minimum of 37 years in a maximum security prison with no carpets, hot water or bog roll.

2. _Pimp [n.]_ A man who makes a profession out of reducing women to commodities and convincing them to sell their bodies to clients. An oppressor of women.

3. _Pimp [v.]_ A term used to describe massive modification of something to make it standout and look attractive. The term is derived from the way pimps modify their cars with various colors, lights and other hardware.

...

...

"Jim, what the hell? I'm starting to think you _want_ her to hate you," McCoy commented wonderingly and started walking away.

"Bones, it's not what you think! The Enterprise, requisitions, it's—" Jim spluttered. He growled in frustration and stalked off, angrily activating his comm. "_Harry!_"

**o.o.O.O.O.o.o**

"Scotty! Answer the goddamned comm!" Jim roared right outside the locked engine room. He banged on the doors for good measure and angrily jabbed in his Captain's override. The door slid open and Jim stalked inside.

"Scotty! Why—fuck!" Jim cursed vehemently as he walked into a blinding, sparkly chandelier hanging off the catwalk he'd just walked under. Nursing the bruise on his forehead, he crouched and crab-walked around it, giving it nasty looks all the while.

Feeling far more cautious now, Jim straightened up uneasily and actually took the time to observe his surroundings. "Holy shit." The Captain gaped at the mounds of sparkling trinkets adorning every feasible surface of the engine room. Even the cat-walks were gilded with diamonds and the control interfaces had been lined in gold.

As he toed his way around the enormous diamond fountain sitting obtrusively in his path, he kept his ears open for any signs of life from his Chief Engineer.

"—_wich_," a dying moan reached his ears.

Jim hurried anxiously towards the sound. As he rounded the corner, he came across the Scottish man sprawled upon the ground, hand flailing weakly at the replicator sitting on the countertop above him.

"_Sandwich_," Scotty moaned, half delirious and heedless of his frantic captain crouching beside him.

"Scotty! What happened?" Jim questioned, bodily shaking his Chief Engineer when he got no response besides another ghoulish moan for a sandwich. "Harry! Harry!" The Captain called out, searching for the elusive spirit.

"You called?" Harry's voice echoed, bouncing off the myriad of sparkling surfaces.

"What's wrong with Scotty? He looks like he's dying!"

"Oh, well, that might, sorta, kinda be…my fault?" Harry answered weakly.

"Your fault? What did you do?" Jim demanded crossly.

"Er, well. I might have been a tad bit too enthusiastic about getting the engine room suitably adorned with bling…to the exclusion of all else…like…sleep…and food?"

Jim gaped, speechless with anger.

"_Sandwich."_

"Ehehe, oops?"

**o.o.O.O.O.o.o**

A month later, the Enterprise was bustling with activity, preparing to launch into space.

"Well then," Jim said, forcing himself to lounge back in his Captain's chair despite the anticipation thrumming through his body. "Maneuvering thrusters, Mister Sulu. Take us out."

"Aye, Captain," the pilot smirked, hands ghosting over the helm controls.

The Enterprise began to move slowly, and then jerked to an abrupt stop. The bridge crew eyed the ship warily.

Jim sighed explosively. "What now?"

"It's not the parking brake!" Sulu blurted out defensively, hands still pushing at the controls. The ship moved sluggishly forward, groaning.

The Captain eyed the helmsman strangely. "I didn't say it was. Commander Spock?"

Said Vulcan ran through diagnostics and turned to the Captain with a peculiar look on his face. "It appears, Captain, that the force of the warp drives is not powerful enough to counteract the relativistic mass of the ship."

Most of the crew, Jim included, stared blankly.

Ensign Chekov meekly raised his hand. "Keptin, I believe the Commander is saying that the ship is…too heavy."

Jim's eyes widened incredulously as his head whipped back and forth between his First Officer and tactical officer. The Vulcan's face was impassive as ever, but Ensign Chekov seemed apologetically serious.

The Captain sighed, rose from the command seat and made his way to the turbolift. "I'll be right back."

The bridge crew watched in puzzled silence.

**o.o.O.O.O.o.o**

"I am not too fat!" Harry exclaimed shrilly with indignation. Lights flashed ominously throughout the engine room, but Jim didn't back down.

"Yes, you are. You need to lose weight, Harry. Your sparkling accessories are holding us down," the Captain stated firmly. "Something has to go, and it's not going to be any of the crew or the supplies."

**o.o.O.O.O.o.o**

A week later, the Enterprise launched smoothly back into space to the crew's great relief.

Jim swept the bridge with a proud smile and then handed command to Spock before making his way to his quarters. There, he sat behind his desk and propped his feet up on it, threading his hands behind his head.

"Stop sulking, Harry." Jim spoke teasingly into the empty space of his room. He heard a disdainful sniff in response. Jim smirked.

"It's not fair," Harry finally answered petulantly.

"It was for your own good, you know that. Besides, what good would it have been to have all that crap in the engine room anyways?"

"It made me feel pretty," was Harry's childish reply.

Jim laughed. "Are you sure it didn't make you feel constipated?"

"Shut it, you."

Jim sighed, dropping his feet back onto the floor. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? But don't you think you got enough revenge, what with Uhura thinking I'm some immature pimp-wannabe?"

"Heh. That was pretty funny."

Jim could practically hear the smirk in the other man's voice.

"Do you at least like your new warp drives?" Jim asked.

"…yeah."

"What's with the unenthusiastic reply?" The Captain frowned. "Is there something wrong with them?"

"Well, technically no. It's just…" Harry's voice drifted off.

"What?" Jim asked impatiently.

"Did you know that Scotty installed a distillery in the engine room?" Harry questioned, seemingly switching topics.

Jim smirked, thoroughly amused at his Chief Engineer's antics. "Is that so? Knowing Scotty, it's probably really strong moonshine. Bones will enjoy it. I'll have to go inspect sometime," the captain mused as he replaced his feet on his desk and tilted his chair back to rest on its hind legs.

"Yeah…" Harry muttered absently. "It's just…he hooked the distillery up so that it runs off the power that bleeds off from the warp drives, you know?"

"And?"

"Well, it's kind of ironic. And weird. I don't think '_It tastes like piss'_ has ever been quite so literal."

Jim toppled head over heels as his chair flipped back.

* * *

**AN:** Short silliness. I wonder if you got the last part. The Warp Drives = Harry's bits = Scotty's contraband alcohol that tastes like piss. Lulz. Crude humor. I apologize.

Those dictionary explanations? Those are real. I didn't make them up. They're from the urbandictionary. Lulz.

I actually read it, and then re-read it. Was hit with some new inspiration, so I changed it up a bit. You like?

Please, please review?


	3. Series 1B: The Case of Wandering Hands

**Wizard in Space**

Genre: Humor

Category: AU: random scenes

Fandom: Harry Potter x Star Trek Reboot

Author: Falling Right Side-Up

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or worlds mentioned herein.

Summary: Ideas of Harry Potter x Star Trek Reboot x-overs.

* * *

**AN: Premise:** Harry's spirit/ghost somehow combines with the Enterprise, but doesn't become fully conscious of his nifty new body (i.e. a space ship, lulz) until sometime during or after the confrontation with Nero.

**IMPORTANT:** If you read the previous chapter before 6-08-2010 11:30 AM_,_ then please go back and reread it. I changed some parts and added whole new parts, and there are a couple references to it in this chapter.

* * *

**Idea #1B**

(Posted: 6-13-2010)

_Prompt: _The Case of Wandering Hands

* * *

After the embarrassing fiasco that had delayed the Enterprise's launch into space from Earth, Jim had thought it would be prudent for his First Officer to be introduced to Harry. Unfortunately, things were not working out the way Jim had hoped.

Spock seemed to be alarmingly absentminded for a Vulcan, as if his attention was being split between his duties and some other concern. Jim had, on one occasion, found the science officer frozen in the middle of the hall with one hand braced against the wall, doing the Vulcan version of staring off into space, only more intense and creepier.

Any attempts to inquire about the Vulcan's strange behavior had been politely but firmly brushed off_—"There is nothing for you to concern yourself with, Captain."_—and Jim had been left behind to watch his First Officer walk off as if chasing something down.

This left Jim with a lot of extra time, which he found even emptier without Harry popping in to pester him. Said spirit seemed to be going out of his way to avoid contact with people, running away so quickly that his agitated state was causing energy fluctuations throughout the ship. Complaints were piling up, performance levels were dropping, and Jim was just shy of getting desperate.

Reasoning that Spock wasn't about to open up anytime soon, Jim went off in search of Harry. Besides, Jim had a forebodingly uneasy feeling that both issues were connected and that solving one would lead to the other.

**o.o.O.O.O.o.o**

When Jim finally found the Enterprise's avatar, it was in an empty observation deck. Usually, there was nothing that Jim could see, of course, to confirm the spirit's presence, but this time the half-hysterical muttering_—"No, no, it didn't happen, it didn't happen, lalalala,"—_in the otherwise silent room was enough for Jim to walk in and lock the doors behind him.

"Harry?"

The muttering came to a halt. "…Kirk?"

"You want to tell me what's going on?" Jim asked with as much patience as he could.

"No," was the immediate reply.

"Why not?" Jim rebutted. "Even the crew can tell something's wrong. And denial doesn't seem to be working," he said dryly.

"Yeah, well, a wizard's predisposed mental condition is denial. I'll deal. Sooner or later."

Jim sighed in exasperation. "Uh huh, well, while you _deal, _I'm left with complaints about unstable inertial dampeners, flickering lights, and sticky doors. So forgive me if I'd rather you deal now rather than later."

"Oh. It's that bad? Sorry. I hadn't noticed…" Harry trailed off apologetically.

Jim waved it off. "Let's just get the problem out of the way, okay? Then we can say no harm no foul."

"Yeah. You're right," Harry replied, sounding determined. "The shrinks always did say the first step was acknowledging the problem."

"…right." Jim faltered at the mention of shrinks. He hoped the Enterprise hadn't been possessed by a mentally unstable nutcase from 300 years ago.

"_Be strong, Harry, be strong,_" the spirit muttered to himself.

Jim waited dubiously but patiently.

"Okay. Back in the 21st century, when aliens were just make-believe, people used to make up stories about being kidnapped by aliens for nefarious purposes."

Despite his effort to be serious, Jim couldn't quite mask the smirk in his voice. "Nefarious purposes, huh?"

"…yeah. It's just…I never believed them, you know? People who believed that stuff were crackpots. About as believable as wizards and witches being real…" Harry paused. "_Er, actually, that one turned out to be true…_" he muttered to himself. "But this kind of thing was never supposed to happen to me. Only, I think it might have…" Harry continued, voice suffused with both wonder and unease.

"Wait. What?" Jim frowned, back stiffening.

"I think—" Harry gasped. His voice rose in pitch and trembled, as if he wasn't quiet sure if he should feel ashamed or proud. "I think I've been _probed!_"

**o.o.O.O.O.o.o**

"Spock!"

The First Officer was crouched in a random part of the hall, his hands outstretched upon the wall beside him. Standing up smoothly, he clasped his hands behind his back and did an about face to see the Captain stalking down the hall towards him with a human expression of great upset.

"Captain?" Spock inquired warily, mind already whirling at great speeds trying to determine the cause of his superior's ire.

Kirk continued marching towards the Vulcan, hands clenching agitatedly by his sides. A small distance away, he stopped abruptly, looking incredibly flustered. Pointing accusingly at his First Officer, he declared indignantly," I've caught you in the act, so don't bother denying it. I'll only warn you once. Stop molesting my ship!"

**o.o.O.O.O.o.o**

"C'mon Bones, you know I'm not mentally compromised," Jim cajoled from his prone position on the bio-bed. He tugged futilely against the straps holding him down.

"Yeah, yeah, That's why I have Spock of all people contact me about you accusing him of molesting the ship," McCoy responded worriedly while running a tricorder over his friend.

"He was! Spock keeps trying to mind-whammy the ship!" Jim retorted, doing his best to turn his head aside and away from the tricorder.

The doctor responded by grabbing a hold of Jim's head and keeping it still, like a wayward puppy.

"Uh huh, and you know this how?" McCoy asked skeptically.

Flailing against the restraints, Jim turned to stare wildly at his friend and exclaimed, "The ship told me!"

**o.o.O.O.O.o.o**

"Poor Keptin," Chekov said, shaking his head. "It has only been two weeks since launch and already he is in the sickbay. I hope he recovers soon."

"I'm sure it'll be alright, Pasha. I mean, we're talking about James Kirk," Sulu replied. "But yeah, I hope he recovers soon, too."

Both crew members spared a glance at the Vulcan seated behind them in the command chair. It was a known fact that Spock and James Kirk had started off on the wrong foot, but for whatever reason the Captain had found himself in sickbay after their altercation in the hall, it seemed that the First Officer was unusually peeved.

Spock sat rigidly with his arms braced on the rests and hands steepled before him, so that his focused stare was more intense than usual.

"Commander Spock." There was a flurry of activity at Uhura's station. "There seems to be trouble in sickbay," she said with a confused expression.

"Transfer communications to the command chair, Lt. Uhura," Spock ordered.

She complied and instantly a cacophony of noise over the comm filled the bridge.

Spock frowned at the sounds of crashing and cackling that the Vulcan was disturbingly sure belonged to the Captain. "Doctor McCoy. What is the situation?"

"_Spock! He—goddammit, he's gone_!" the doctor responded, out of breathe.

Spock needed no clarification as to who had escaped. "I see," the Vulcan merely replied. "Has anyone else been injured in the escape?"

"_What? No, you green hobgoblin. Jim hasn't hurt anyone—he's rather intent on finding you anyways. The only collateral damage was the bed and some equipment,_" McCoy responded.

The First Officer paused for a moment before snapping out orders. "Lt. Sulu, you have the Conn. Lt. Uhura, please contact Security and have them coordinate with me at sickbay. Doctor McCoy—"

"_Sending me to sickbay just so you wouldn't have to admit the truth… How underhanded of you, Mister Spock," _Jim declared over the ship wide comm, halting all activity. _"I approve. Or, I would have, except you sent __**me**__ to sickbay. So, yeah. No approval here."_

After a startled beat, Spock responded. "Captain, you must return to sickbay."

"_Not happening," _Jim replied tauntingly_. "Not until you admit that you were mole—"_

"Your accusations are unfounded, Captain," Spock quickly interrupted, his frame taught with tension. "And it is quite indecorous of you to commandeer the ship's comm system in order to perpetuate your obvious delusions."

"_Hey! I am not delusional_!" Jim shouted indignantly. _"You just don't want to admit that you were prob—"_

"Captain. I must insist that you surrender to Security and return to sickbay. It is obvious you are in no condition to—"

"_Stop interrupting me, dammit!"_ Jim's voice seemed to echo in its vehemence.

"He's in the Jeffries tube in sector 3, deck 2," Uhura whispered to Spock, who nodded and covertly redirected Security.

"_I heard that, Uhura, you traitor!"_ The wayward captain bellowed. _"You wouldn't side with him if you knew what he was doing to the Enterprise!" _His comments were punctuated by his heaving breaths—most likely from his efforts to elude Security through the tubes.

Unable to let that comment go, the communications officer joined the conversation. "Please, Captain. As if the decision to side with Commander Spock is a hard one," she replied condescendingly.

"_Is that so?"_ Jim drawled.

The undertone of mischievous glee in the Captain's voice set Spock ill at ease. "Captain, this situation is not setting an example for the crew, we should—"

"_Well,"_ Jim ignored Spock's attempts at redirection. _"I wonder how you would feel if you knew that Commander Spock uses his Vulcan voodoo to—"_

"Captain—"

"_-SMEX the SHIP with his MIND!" _

**o.o.O.O.O.o.o**

Jim cackled at the stupefied silence over the comm, despite the fact that he'd gotten stuck in an intersection while traversing the tubes. "What? No response? Surely I haven't left you speechless, Mister Spock?" He smirked.

"…_Keptin?"_ Chekov's hesitant voiced breeched the silence.

"Yeah?" Jim responded, still snickering as he tried to wriggle loose.

"_The Commander is no longer here, Keptin."_

"Oh? Where'd he go?"

"…_to find you, sir…I think."_

"You think?"

"_Yes. Commander Spock looked rather upset…for a Vulcan, that is. I suppose he could have gone to his quarters, but he does not seem to be the type to hide away," _Chekov said doubtfully.

"Ha! Would serve him right. I bet he went to sulk in his—"

Suddenly, a familiar looking hand burst through the metal plating of the grate next to Jim's head and grabbed a hold of his shirt.

"_Holy Shit!"_ Jim tried to wriggle away, but the hand merely dragged him down and out of the tube until he flopped out into the hall like a dying fish. Quickly, he scrambled onto his hands and knees but froze when he caught sight of his First Officer glaring down at him.

"Er…Hi, there," Jim squeaked out before deciding it would be beneficial for his lasting health and longevity to shut up when Spock's eyebrows drew even further together and almost went vertical in slant.

"_Ah, I was right!"_ Ensign Chekov remarked excitedly like a child._" The Commander went to find you!"_

**o.o.O.O.O.o.o**

Crew members scrambled out of the way as Spock stalked down the corridor with the Captain slung over his shoulders, tied up with the sleeves of his own command-gold shirt like a straight jacket. A contingent of security officer followed at a discreet distance, and the whole procession appeared remarkably like a ceremony of taking a lamb to the slaughter.

"I'm sorry, Spock! I probably shouldn't have—okay, okay, I definitely shouldn't have said over the comm that you were committing nefarious acts with the ship, but what's a little misunderstanding about deviant sexual behavior between you and me, huh? C'mon, you can't beat mutiny and attempted murder, right?"

Spock did not deign to respond, so Jim decided to try another route.

"Spock, you can't deny that your behavior has been really hinky lately. I mean, c'mon, you've been probing the ship with your mind! And well, the ship objects. He doesn't like being probed by an alien!"

The Vulcan turned down the corridor onto a straight path to the sickbay. "I believe the greater problem lies with you, Captain. While I may be engaging in seemingly purposeless endeavors to meld with the ship, you are the one with delusions that the ship is sentient and speaks to you."

"I told you, I am not delusional!" Jim retorted, flopping indignantly on Spock's shoulder.

Spock raised an eyebrow. "If I were to believe you, why, then, has the ship not made its presence known to me?"

"I don't know! Maybe because you scare him! You've left him a blubbering mess! A mess I've had to deal with!" Jim glared at the Security officers trailing behind them.

The First Officer frowned and paused in front of the sickbay doors, which opened to reveal an angry but relieved Doctor McCoy.

"Jim! I oughtta tan your hide for running away!"

"Bones! You've got to believe me!" Jim pleaded.

McCoy frowned and turned to Spock. "He still spouting that nonsense 'bout the ship bein' alive?"

The Vulcan nodded. "Unfortunately, Doctor McCoy."

"Goddammit," McCoy cursed, running a hand haphazardly through his hair. "At least whatever is causin' his delusions hasn't spread to the rest of the crew," he lamented.

"Bones!" Jim whined.

McCoy motioned for Spock to step into the sickbay, but the Vulcan first turned to the Security Officers behind them.

"Lt. Giotto, post two men at the entrance to safeguard against another possible escape."

"Belay that order, Lt. Giotto!" Jim shouted, face going red with frustration.

Said officer glanced at the backside of his Captain slung over the Commander and then back to the frowning First Officer and Chief Medical Officer.

"I'll have the men posted, Commander," the Chief of Security responded and motioned to his subordinates.

"No! Cupcake! You'll pay for this! Mark my words!" Jim renewed his squirming, but Spock merely tightened his grip and turned to enter sickbay.

"Wait! Commander!"

The crew turned to see Scotty jogging down the corridor. He came to a halt before Spock and the security officers, bending over to catch his breathe.

"Mister Scott? Do you have a concern to be addressed?" Spock queried.

"Aye, Commander. Yer makin' a mistake. The Captain isn't delusional," Scotty said and then paused. "Well, he isn't exactly normal either, but certainly not crazy."

"You know what's going on?" McCoy asked with a frown.

"Well, it's pretty simple. I can corroborate everythin' the Captain said 'bout the ship," Scotty replied. "'Cept the part 'bout the Commander molestin' it, that is. Lord knows the Enterprise is a beauty an' the Commander appreciates it, as do I, and we've all had our share of fantasies—" the engineer faltered at the Vulcan's blank stare.

"Er—I mean, I'm sure the Commander would never engage in nefarious sexual acts with the ship when he has the lovely Lt. Uhura to satisfy him and—"

Scotty stuttered to halt at Spock's disturbingly blank gaze, feeling rather like a bug hypnotized by the glare on the windshield right before impact. His eyes flickered nervously around but no one but Spock would meet his eyes. The Scottish man coughed and cleared his throat.

"What I meant to say is that, well, uhm, the Enterprise is indeed alive and sentient," Scotty declared with a dignified air.

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Please, explain, Mister Scott."

"Well, the Enterprise is actually a lad, not a lass. His name is Harry Potter. He's partial to pumpkin juice but will settle for the taste of narcelles now. And he's a wizard!" Scotty exclaimed cheerfully. "Not like those evil sorcerer tales—he's a right cheerful lad, gentle too. Well, except when we blew the warp drive, 'cause those are his man-bits, ya know?" Scotty grimaced. "Oooh, he was _mighty_ upset about that. Also, he doesn't like to be told he's fat—he'll get into quite a tizzy if you say that. Quite sensitive, the lad is." Scotty nodded along with his own lecture.

Doctor McCoy and Spock shared a long, wordless look. Then the Vulcan addressed the engineer. "And how do you know all of this, Mister Scott?"

"The ship speaks to me, of course!" Scotty said brightly.

**o.o.O.O.O.o.o**

"Nice going, Scotty," Jim addressed his companion testily. Having confirmed that Security had reinforced the straps on the bio-bed, Jim thought his time was better spent glaring at his Chief Engineer.

"Er, sorry, Captain," Scotty responded from his prone position on the bio-bed beside Jim. He swallowed nervously, keeping his eyes trained on the ceiling above him. "Those security lads sure know how to tie these straps, don't they, Captain?" Scotty chuckled weakly.

...

...

* * *

**AN:** Lulz. Is this crack or what?

Not a lot of Harry here, I know, but that's only because not everyone is aware of his existence yet. He'll play a bigger role later.

I had a lot of different ideas as to how to portray this scenario, so I'm not quite sure it all makes sense. So, did it make sense? Make you laugh? Or was it just too ridiculous and over the top?

**EXPLANATION: **If the story was confusing, this is what happened-Spock is sensing another presence on the Enterprise, possibly hostile, which is why he's spacing off so often and occasionally try to feel out the ship with his Vulcan mind powers. Lol. He doesn't believe the ship is alive because he's been there since it's creation and launch, and it certainly wasn't alive then. There have also been no incidents in their missions so far to cause the ship to gain sudden sentience, either. Harry, who has a history of disliking mental invasion, runs like hell away from Spock. Does this help?

Reviews and constructive criticism is greatly appreciated—it actually has an effect, too, as you can see from the fact that I rewrote the previous chapter after seeing readers' responses.

Also, I didn't write a big scene about Harry actually being introduced to the crew, because I wanted to leave it to your imagination. Also, it leaves it open ended so I can add in stuff later. The next chapter kind of assumes the introductions already took place and that the command crew knows about Harry. As you've probably already noticed, there's quite a bit of time skip between each chapter—they're all technically supposed to be one-shots.

And thank you to everyone who has read the fic so far and reviewed! A special thank you to you "anonymous" reviewers who don't even have an account on this site but reviewed anyways. It makes me happy that you went through the effort. I hope everyone will continue to read and enjoy!

Reviews are my food!


	4. Series 1C: Skillz

**AN: ** **Premise:** Harry's spirit/ghost somehow combines with the Enterprise, but doesn't become fully conscious of his nifty new body (i.e. a space ship, lulz) until sometime during or after the confrontation with Nero.

**IMPORTANT:** As you will notice (and as I warned in the last chapter's closing notes) there will be no actual scene where Harry is introduced to the crew—just assumed it happened. Why? I explained in the last chapter. Go look. As of now, only Spock, Uhura, Scotty, Bones, Sulu, Chekov, Giotto and Jim know about Harry.

**P.S. **You'll notice Canon pairings in the fic (i.e. Spock and Uhura) but it's mostly crack. Nothing serious-just used for the humor because the pairings are NOT the focus of the fic. So please don't be alarmed and turn away, Slash lovers.

* * *

**Wizard in Space**

**Idea #1C**

(Posted: 7-2-2010)

_Prompt: _Skillz

* * *

Jim rigidly approached the science station with a wide, frozen smile plastered on his face. "A word with you, Mister Spock." The Captain was careful not to react to the burning gaze from the communications station that upped in intensity as he made his way to the turbo lift without waiting for his First Officer.

"Of course, Captain," the Vulcan replied stiffly.

Jim maintained his smile and waved at the crew jauntily as Spock stepped inside and stood at attention by his side. The moment the lift doors closed, Jim whirled around, struck the emergency stop button on the lift and disabled the comm system. Then he let out a loud breathe, swiped a hand through his hair and leaned wearily against the wall with his arms crossed.

"Okay, spill."

Spock did not bother turning to face his Captain. Instead, the tension in his frame seemed to increase as he stood with his feet apart and his hands clasped behind his back.

"I do not understand, Captain. I have no liquid substance to spill."

Jim sighed in exasperation. "Spock, you know what I mean. Why does the stick up Uhura's ass seem to have grown twice as big? I'm used to her attitude, but she isn't sparing anyone today. Not even you."

Spock maintained his silence.

Jim's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Did you guys fight? You forget her birthday or something? You weren't emotionally available enough? What was it? Spock, I can't have your personal problems affecting the performance and morale of the crew."

Spock's eyes flickered over at Jim. "It is not the emotional aspect of our interactions that has suffered," the First Officer relented.

The captain frowned in confusion. "Not the emotional? Then what? The phys—you've got to be kidding me." Jim gaped at Spock, who once again had turned his gaze away and refused to elaborate."

"I have no comment on the matter."

Jim snorted—half amused and half incredulous. "You're not getting laid," he mused aloud.

This time Spock did react, turning to frown minutely at the captain.

"Are you serious? She's angry because you're not boinking her enough?"

"Captain, I resent having our physical relations referred to as 'boinking,'" Spock said with distaste. Then, after a brief pause, "And it is not so much _'enough'_ as it is, _'at all.'_"

"What?" Jim looked surprised.

Silence prevailed.

"Uhm," Jim squirmed and then awkwardly turned to his First Officer, blurting out the first thing that came to mind. "If you are having problems with erectile dysfunction, Dr. McCoy should be able to help you?"

Jim backpedaled at the foreboding pinch he saw between Spock's brows. "Er, I mean, do you know why?"

Spock turned around completely to face Jim, his gaze steadfast and sure, as if the conversation had finally come back to safe grounds wherein the Vulcan could answer with surety. "I believe that you are at fault, Captain," Spock calmly announced.

"What?" Jim spluttered. "How is this my fault?"

"Lt. Uhura does not enjoy observers in the act of copulation."

"Hey! Now, wait a minute! I am not a voyeur!"

"I did not state that you were, Captain. But you did invite the act of voyeurism."

"I did not!" Jim's voice rose with each response.

Spock merely raised an eyebrow. "Two weeks ago at 1230 in the mess hall you said, and I quote_—'Well, Harry, if you're interested in aliens, you should start with Mister Spock. He's Vulcan, one of the founding races of the Federation. I'm sure he won't mind you tagging along to observe him. You should pay extra attention to his biology, it's pretty amazing.'_"

"I was talking about you being three times stronger than humans! Not sex!"

**o.o.O.O.O.o.o**

"Harry."

"Kirk."

"There are things called _'privacy'_ and _'discretion.'_"

"…I'm sorry?"

**o.o.O.O.O.o.o**

"Are you sure?" Uhura eyed Spock's quarters suspiciously.

"Yes. The Captain informed me that he has spoken to Mister Potter."

"Well, if you're sure…" She smiled and pulled Spock down for a kiss, allowing him to maneuver her to the bed.

"_Boom Chicka Bow Wow."_

Spock drew back rigidly from the kiss and Uhura groaned, flopping back onto the bed in a graceless sprawl.

"Mister Potter. You are still here." Spock didn't bother asking 'why.' Instead, he remarked, "The dissonant sounds with which you are assailing Lt. Uhura and me are most disquieting."

"Er, sorry. Kirk said I should do something in apology. I was just trying to help since I kept you from getting laid. A schoolmate of mine once told me this was good stuff—gets you in the mood for, _you know_."

Uhura snorted at the childish euphemism and for once, Spock needed no clarification. In fact, he seemed rather fascinated.

"Humans find this sequence of sounds erotically stimulating? Fascinating." The Vulcan then turned to his female companion with a mildly reproachful look. "Nyota. Why have you not informed me of this? You are quite well versed in human music and seem to be rather enthusiastic with sharing your enjoyment of it with me. Yet you have withheld this."

Uhura gaped speechlessly. "Spock. You can't be serious."

"I am always serious, Nyota."

"Oh my god," the woman exclaimed with an explosive huff. "Spock. This stuff is an insult to the entire history of human music. It's not erotically stimulating at all! In fact, I doubt any human male would be able to keep it up while listening to that except Kirk and that's only because Kirk can get it up anywhere, anytime!"

The corner of Spock's lips turned down minutely—an expression of his consternation. "Nyota, it is illogical to think my performance mid coitus will be affected by badly orchestrated human music. As you know, a male Vulcan's biology is controlled by the mind and I can sustain an erection indefinitely-"

"Spock!" Uhura squealed.

"-which means I can fulfill your needs without needing to recuperate, as a human male often requires in order to please his partner," Spock pushed on, heedless of Uhura's embarrassment. He paused to watch her roll into fetal position on her side, covering her flaming cheeks with her hands.

Harry listened silently in fascination.

"I can most assuredly outperform Kirk in sexual intercourse in 99.987888% of all probable conditions and settings," Spock finished, as if tacking the last statement onto his explanation as an afterthought. However, his intense gaze gave the impression that it was actually the most pointed and important fact he wished to convey to the woman before him.

"You don't need to tell me that!" Uhura groaned aggrievedly. "And why did you have to mention Kirk of all people when comparing your ability to perform?"

"I believe the human saying is: 'You started it.'" Spock replied.

"Spock." Uhura stated sternly.

"Nyota." Spock calmly returned.

"Harry," came the happy chirp.

The Vulcan and human woman glanced at one another and then turned to look at some indeterminate point in Spock's quarters.

"Mister Potter."

"Yes?"

"As I have explained, I will not be affected by the inferior quality of your human mating music. And you are here at the request of the Captain. It would be rude to decline your peace offering. You may continue."

"Okay! _Boom Chicka—"_

"No!" Uhura shouted. "Spock! I don't care if this is the olive branch or that you aren't affected! I'm affected, alright? It creeps me out! Do you know how old and cheesy and just plain lame this music is?"

"Hey! It's not old! It was really popular maybe only 10 years before I was born!" Harry refuted.

Spock raised a brow.

"In relation to your birth, it would mean this particular music originates in the 1960s to 1970s of your time," Spock addressed Harry.

"Well, yeah, I guess so."

The First Officer was silent in a moment of contemplation.

Uhura took the chance to push her case. "Spock, this porn music is nearly 300 years old." The communications officer cringed as her skills at rich visual imagery suddenly brought to mind an image of withered men and women in thongs doing the dirty on a gaudy set with a disco ball hanging overhead.

The slight pinch in Spock's brows communicated his own disturbed feelings to her.

"My human-half feels…decrepit."

**o.o.O.O.O.o.o**

"So, how did it go? You get Spock laid?" Jim asked from his desk in his quarters.

"Yeah, I think so."

"Only think? Harry, I need Spock to get laid so that Uhura won't be such a bitch and terrorize the bridge."

"I know, I mean, I tried to get them in the mood, you know? But then they started talking about music and mating rituals and biology…and by the end, Uhura seemed ready to get it on since she kicked me out, but I have no idea what a randy Vulcan looks like…"

Jim snorted. "Music, anthropological studies of mating rituals and biology, huh? Yeah, for Spock and Uhura that's probably the foreplay before the raunchy sex acts of astrophysics, opera and chemistry. Who know what gets those brain types in the mood?" The captain shook his head pityingly. He got up from behind his desk and gathered the piled padds into his arms.

"So, is that all then?" Jim inquired as he made his way across his quarters.

"Yeah, I think so," Harry replied.

"Okey-dokey then. Here's to hoping we'll see a less uptight Uhura on shift today," Jim mock toasted to the incorporeal man with a half-filled cup of coffee and began shuffling past the coffee table and lounge chairs.

"Oh, wait," Harry spoke absentmindedly, already moving his consciousness to another part of the ship. "There was one thing—Spock said his skillz in bed pwn yours."

Jim collided with the coffee table, went flying over it along with his coffee, and bounced head first into his door, which obligingly opened a microsecond too late to prevent impact.

McCoy stared at his fallen captain—who was rolling on the floor clutching his head—and flinched when Jim's hand suddenly shot out and gripped his ankle.

"Bones!" Jim exclaimed, his eyes wide, expression both wild and indignant. "I could totally pwn Spock in bed! Right?"

"Wha—Goddammit, Jim!" McCoy roared as he recoiled, his arms flying up in front of him as if to ward of the sudden image. "Don't you ever mention that green-hobgoblin and sex in the same sentence! In the same conversation! At all!" The doctor glared down at Jim and shook his leg. "And why are you asking me? Don't involve me in your crazy sex life! "

"But, Bones!"

"No! Jim, get off of me!"

"Bones!"

Crew members in the hall watched as McCoy attempted to shield his eyes with one arm while swatting at the desperate, clawing grip the captain had on one of his legs.

* * *

AN: I actually wrote this right after the first post. XD. Way out of order, but when the inspiration hits, I have to get it down. Again, please excuse the juvenile humor.

As I'm sure you've noticed, I have skipped entirely the whole "revelation" scene, where Harry is actually introduced to the crew—as of now, only the main crew (Scotty, Jim, Bones, Chekov, Uhura, Spock, Sulu, Giotto) know about Harry.

Why did I not write the revelation scene? If you read my author's note in the last chapter, you know. If not, well…I didn't have a brilliant scene in mind and I also wanted to play on your assumptions. Later, when the perfect inspiration hits, I'll write it—I'm always open to your suggestions, however.

In the meantime, what did you think? Please review!


	5. Series 1D: Remnants of the Past B

Reuploaded: 9/25/2010 due to errors

**AN: Premise:** Harry's spirit/ghost somehow combines with the Enterprise, but doesn't become fully conscious of his nifty new body (i.e. a space ship, lulz) until sometime during or after the confrontation with Nero.

...

...

...

...

**IMPORATANT AUTHOR NOTE:** Ok. I'm cheating. I've been kind of down lately, and I couldn't decide how to write an intro scene. Pathetic, I know.

The setting is this: The Enterprise comes across a planet rich in materials the Federation needs so they scan it and sensors pick up large "null areas." Curious, an away team heads down and comes across wizards and witches, a political meeting is set up and viola, their diplomatic meeting comes to an end and they get invited to a Ceremony. Now, how did the witches/wizards get there? After the war, which did not follow canon in the 6th or 7th book, Harry for some reason or other heads through the Veil. His fanclub follows him. Harry ends up somewhere different and the others land on a planet and create their own wizarding community. Let's just say Hero Worship goes to another level with them and history tends to skew things.

* * *

**Idea #1D**

(Posted: 9-23-2010; Reuploaded: 9/25/2010 due to errors)

_Prompt: _Remnants of the Past

* * *

"I must say, Captain Kirk, your people came at a most auspicious time," the short, rose-cheeked man declared, bubbling with excitement in his ornate high backed chair. "In fact, there could have been no better time for explorers to venture upon our society."

"Really," Jim replied enigmatically, keeping a wary eye on the man's wildly gesturing hands. "And why is that, Minister Creevy?"

"Tomorrow is our Day of Remembrance! A time when all our people gather to celebrate our history! The Great Battle! Our heroes! Our legends!" The minister's voice reached higher and higher pitches with each declaration, and the away team watched as the short man practically vibrated off his seat.

"We'd love to attend," Uhura replied sweetly, throwing a threatening look at the Captain when he tried to protest. _You owe me_, her eyes said. The grudge she held for the month of interrupted sex was still quite apparent in her glare.

"Er, yes, of course," Jim laughed weakly. "Count us in."

**o.o.O.O.O.o.o**

"Lighten up, Bones," Jim cajoled his friend, seated in a row of high bleachers around a great stadium.

McCoy frowned mutinously and snarled. "Do you see what I'm wearing? Do you?"

"Well, yes, but-"

"I did _not_ venture through the pressure can of _vacuum space_ so that I can come to some backwards little planet of bush-whacking _crackpots_—"

"Hey, not that's not very nice—"

"—who insist on forcing me to wear a _dress_!"

Jim looked helplessly at his chief medical officer and then to his first officer, eyes communicating a silent plea.

And Spock—being the Captain's right hand man and self assured that he had gained much insight into the human mind—nodded and turned to the doctor.

"You may rest assured that you are not alone, Doctor McCoy," Spock stated solemnly, indicating Jim, Uhura, Sulu and himself. "We are all wearing dresses."

Jim smacked his face and groaned, while Sulu picked at his own garment uncomfortably.

McCoy's snarl twisted even further, a thunderous expression clouding his face.

"Oh, get over it!" Uhura said. "We are _not_ wearing _dresses_. We're wearing _robes_. So you can rest assured that your manly pride is undamaged." She sniffed and delicately crossed her legs.

McCoy frowned and grumbled under his breath.

"Shhh! The ceremony's starting!" Uhura hissed.

**o.o.O.O.O.o.o**

Standing upon a circular stage in the center of the stadium pit, Minister Creevy bowed ceremoniously to the citizens and then made a small gesture towards his throat with the stick in his hand.

"My Good People! You Remember, Our-Most-Hallowed-Journey onto this Fertile World!" Minster Creevy declared. "You Remember, Lost and Disillusioned, we followed our Lord through the Great Veil!"

"Yes!" The crowd shouted.

"And You Remember! That we have been Blessed! That we have been Enlightened! Taken to a Haven safe from the Degenerating state of the Old World and their False-Teachings-of-Purity!"

"Yes!"

"Then You Remember that we must Always Remember Our Most Illustrious Lords' and Ladies' gifts onto us!"

"Yes!" The crowd roared, shaking the stadium bleachers.

"Then we shall Commence!"

**o.o.O.O.O.o.o**

Jim's brows furrowed. "I think I heard hyphens. And caps." He turned questioningly to his communications officer.

Uhura bit her lip. "It seems there's some cultural significance to the use of them in their history. Though it is a bit excessive…"

"**The Lady with a Spirit of Fire! The Courage of the Lion! Queen Ginny of Bat Bogeys!"**

"Bat Bogeys? What the hell are Bat Bogeys? Is it Bat shit?" McCoy seemed offended by his own suggestion. He was a medical doctor, not an anthropologist—why did he have to be there and be befuddled by weird cultural titles? The dress was bad enough.

"Don't look at me," Jim replied.

"**The Lady of Razor Wit and Champion of all Magical Creatures! Lady Hermy-own-ninny of SPEW!"**

"Hermy-own-ninny? SPEW? Jeeze. Poor girl. Her childhood must have been horrible!" McCoy exclaimed, tone becoming more and more acerbic. "Can you imagine? 'Hermy-own-ninny of the land of SPEW? They probably called her the 'Ninny from the land of puke.'"

Jim choked on his own snort of laughter as Uhura glared at both captain and chief medical officer.

"McCoy!" The communications officer hissed. "Have some respect!

"**The Lover of Chuddley Cannons! King Ickle Ronniekins of Won-Won!"**

Everyone except Spock and Uhura grimaced in tandem.

Jim shuddered. "Oh my god. His mother hated him. Ronniekins. There's no way he got respect from anyone with a name like that. And Wo-ugh. I can't even say it."

Jim and Sulu shared a commiserating look.

"**And Thy Illustrious Lord that led us from Darkness!"**

"Oh, this one actually sounds respectable," McCoy commented, looking less angry and just a tad interested.

"**He-Who-Slayed those most Foul and Retched!"**

"Sounds like a pretty powerful guy," Sulu remarked, leaning forward in his seat.

"**Lord-of-Lions and Master of Harems!"**

"Ohhh, now that's what I'm talking about," Jim exclaimed, rubbing his hands together appreciatively.

"**He-Who-Banned-Greasy-Hair and Neutered-Randy-Ferrets!"**

Sulu froze and slowly drew back in his seat. "…is it just me or did it just take a weird turn?"

"No…it's not just you," Jim replied slowly, a squint between his eyes as if he was questioning his own answer.

"**The-Man-Who-Conquered! Harry Potter!"**

"What? Wait. _What?_ Seriously? Harry Potter? _Our _Harry Potter?" Jim appeared utterly confounded. He was starting to understand Bones' earlier consternation.

"Potter of the Great White Saucer and Winner of Miss Federation Spaceship?" Sulu asked doubtfully.

"**Harry Potter, God of Fresh Pickled Toad!" **The Minister announced thunderously, his hands high in the air, face jubilant with the deafening roar of the crowds.

"…What?"

"For a moment, I actually thought…"

"Uh huh, as if," Jim scoffed.

**o.o.O.O.O.o.o**

"Wait. It's real?" Jim's face was getting tired of assuming the assorted expression of confusion and disbelief.

"Well, the names have been a little…altered, but the story is basically right."

"So there really was a Ginny, Ickle Ronniekins, and Hermy-own-ninny?" The Captain's voice climbed in incredulity with each name.

"Yeah," Harry replied with a chuckle.

"What the hell are Bat Bogeys?" McCoy demanded.

"It was a spell, a hex more specifically. Ginerva Weasley, my onetime girlfriend made it. It made your boogers explode from your nose, take the shape of bats and chase you around."

"…homing bat-shaped booger missiles?" Sulu asked with a queer expression, half disgusted and half admiring.

"Yeah," was the sheepish answer.

"That girl was cruel, man," Jim commented, shaking his head.

"What about Ickle Ronniekins of Won-Won," Uhura asked.

Jim grimaced, as if there was a bad taste in his mouth. "I can't believe you can even say that with a straight face."

"It's because I'm more mature than you'll ever be, Kirk," Uhura replied with a roll of her eyes.

The Captain responded by making a face at her.

The communications officer huffed, tucked nonexistent hair behind her ear while looking down demurely. When Jim frowned at the lack of a comeback and slouched, Uhura quickly took the opening and flung her stylus at him.

Harry watched as the Captain yelped and cradled his forehead. The spirit was slightly unnerved by the fact that none of the other crew members present seemed to be bothered by the devolving situation between captain and communications officer. Quickly, he spoke in order to forestall further chaos. "Uhm, both were unwanted nicknames of my best mate, Ronald Weasley. Ickle Ronniekins was something his twin brothers called him, and the Won-Won was from a girlfriend."

"Wow, your friend must have pissed off his girl, badly," Sulu commented.

"Actually, she really liked him."

"Dude…girls of your time were weird," Jim said.

"What about Hermy-own-ninny," McCoy questioned, his southern drawl mangling the name just a bit more.

"Merlin, Hermione would be pulling her hair right now," Harry groaned.

"Hermione. Greek for the earthly messenger. The female counterpart for the God Hermes," Spock commented.

"Er, yeah."

McCoy frowned. "How did that become 'ninny?'"

"A Bulgarian admirer that couldn't pronounce her name."

"Ah, I see."

"And SPEW? How'd she get associated with vomit?" Sulu asked warily, unsure whether he really wanted to know.

"That's a long story. SPEW is actually an acronym. It stood for 'Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare."

"And what exactly did SPEW do?" Spock queried.

"Uhm, well, she basically knitted clothes to give to the elves."

"It was a knitting club?" Jim asked, frowning.

"Er, no, you see, elves needed clothes, I mean they had clothes, of course, they weren't running around naked, well actually, they nearly were, but—anyways, if they were given clothes, proper ones that is, by their master, they would be freed."

"Oh, that sounds quite noble. Did it work?" Uhura seemed pleasantly surprised and curious.

"...not quite," Harry answered sheepishly.

"So she just knitted a lot then." Jim said flatly.

"Don't be so insensitive, Kirk," Uhura chastised.

The Captain replied, hands held up in surrender. "Sorry, sorry."

"No, you're right," Harry said. "The elves really hated it. SPEW flopped but she did some really good work for equal rights once she got into government."

"Ohh, you rubbed elbows with politicians, Harry? No wonder they're all Lords and Ladies and you became a God."

"Which begs the questions. Why Fresh Pickled Toads?" Spock asked, head tilted in honest and intense curiosity.

"…no comment."

* * *

**AN:** So. Yeah. Sorry it's not very good. It's short. I feel it's less funny. And the writing quality is poor. But I feel bad not updating even though people are story alerting it. I've been bogged down with school and work and am losing inspiration. So, encouragement please?

Also, if you think there are ways I can improve this, do tell. I'm willing to go back and edit. Sigh.

BTW, on the off-chance you didn't get where the last title for Harry Potter came from:

The Singing Valentine:

_His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,  
His hair is as dark as a blackboard.  
I wish he was mine, he's really divine,  
The hero who conquered the Dark Lord._

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**AUTHOR NOTE:** And because I love you guys, I thought I'd throw in the scenes that I thought about using as an intro but discarded. They're in no particular order. In fact, they're not related at all. They're completely different scenarios that I could have used.

Discarded Idea #1

McCoy glared at everyone and everything as he grudgingly trudged alongside the away party through a dark, menacing looking forest. "Jim, this is the last time I let you drag me down to some godforsaken backwards planet when there's no medical emergency!" The doctor snarled as he jerked his shirt sleeve free from a spindly branch of a looming tree.

"Aw, c'mon, Bones. Don't be like that," Jim cajoled as he glanced back at his chief medical officer from the front of the group. He, unlike the doctor, seemed to enjoy the rather arduous hike. "The natives were so thrilled to meet the Enterprise's _'healer,'_ with his _'adorable beeping toy.'_"

"It's a tricorder, dammit! And I'm more of a doctor than those bush-whacking crack pots!" McCoy exclaimed furiously, cheeks glowing a hot red.

"I believe they are what early Earth anthropologists in the 21st century called _'witch doctors,'_" Spock commented as he maneuvered around a large system of tree roots.

"Not quite," Uhura rebutted from the back where she was accompanied by Sulu, who was trailing ever so slightly behind whenever a strange plant caught his attention.

Spock continued walking but glanced back at the communications officer, one brow lifted in question.

"Apparently, they consider everyone in their society a wizard, if male, and a witch, if female, so they specify the medical profession as being a '_mediwizard_' or '_mediwitch,_'" Uhura elaborated, skirting around an monstrously large and suspiciously beautiful looking flower amidst the general gloom of the forest.

Jim snickered. "I guess for once we won't be the ones in danger of being burned at the stake."

"Yes, well, if you stopped violating the prime directive every time you're on a first contact mission, maybe the natives would stop trying to burn the '_golden-haired sorcerer demon and his minions,'_" the communications officer replied acidly.

"Aw, Uhura, you wound me," Jim drawled. "You know you like being my min-"

A strange slurp and strangled gurgling sound interrupted the brewing spat and caused everyone to whirl around.

"Sulu!" The captain shouted, darting back the way he came.

All that remained visible of Sulu were his legs, kicking frantically as his entire torso had been engulfed by the enormous plant Uhura had passed by earlier.

"Oh my god!" the communications officer gasped.

"Sulu!" McCoy shouted. "Don't just stand there, woman! Grab his legs!"

"What does it look like I'm doing!"

"Bones, don't let go of him!"

"Do I look stupid? This is all your fault!"

"Hey!"

"Captain. Doctor. May I point out that your energy is better suited to rescuing Lt. Sulu?"

"Shit! Sulu's pants are coming off! Bones, grab both his legs! Uhura, get a stick or a rock-whatever-and beat that thing back! Spock, keep a hold of his waist and I'll try to pry the thing back!"

"Ew! Ew, it has a tongue! A tongue!"

"Uhura, don't panic! It's not after you, it's busy slurping Sulu!"

"Goddammit Jim! I told you this was a bad idea!"

"This is just a road bump! We'll get Sulu out of-"

"Road bump? Do you see this? _Do you?_ This is not a road bump! This is a mutant-tongued man-eating flower! I did not come here to be eaten by a flower!"

"Less talking, more pulling!"

"Fascinating. I believe the glossal is, in fact, this specimen's stamen. It is secreting a mucous fluid as it wraps around Lt. Sulu, making it hard for us to grasp a hold of him while making it easier for the specimen to ingest-"

"Shut up, you green hobgoblin! I do not need to know that Sulu is being tongue fucked to death!"

"Oh, Bones. So kinky. I knew being on the away team would agree with you."

"Watch out! It has another tongue!" Uhura shrieked, whacking the plant with even more gusto.

"Shit!" McCoy backpedaled, letting go of Sulu's legs when the tongue snaked and constricted around his arms.

With the sudden lack of resistance, the plant greedily sucked in the pilot even further, leaving only his feet exposed.

"Bones!"

"Goddamn you, Jim!"

**o.o.O.O.O.o.o**

"There now, right as rain!" The large man said, patting both Sulu and McCoy on the back with such exuberant force that they stumbled. Finkle laughed heartily and ushered them forward.

"You gents are alright. Noretta hasn't been that happy in a long while," the self-proclaimed caretaker of the forest said while cooing in the direction of the whining, man eating plant.

"Noretta?" McCoy barked. "I was almost eaten by something called, 'Noretta'?"

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Discarded Idea #2

"No." Jim sat back with his arms crossed and refused to look at the heinous object held up before him by Uhura.

She sighed. "Captain—Jim. I know the design isn't all that appealing, but it's a requirement. The natives of this planet really put a lot of importance in appearance for this ceremony."

Jim's expression became even more displeased.

"What about Spock? He gets to wear black. Why does he get to be all, '_look at me, badass creature of night,'_ and I have to be—" Jim sneered, "_'make way for public hazard, rainbow reject'?_"

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**AN: **Comments, please? **  
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